Back in 2008, Andy Crowe published research (in his book, Alpha Project Managers) that identified the top 2% of project managers – the high performers. What made them stand out? Among other things, they were excellent at building relationships.
These PMs weren’t just good at sticking to schedules or managing budgets. They had an exceptional ability to work across teams, tap into informal networks and influence beyond the org chart.
And that’s what made them more successful – or at least more perceived to be successful.
That research stuck with me. It’s something I reflect on often in my mentoring conversations. So in this article, I want to unpack the different ingredients that go into creating strong professional relationships, especially in the context of mentoring others.
Let’s take a look at what really makes a difference.
Set clear expectations early
Whether you’re mentoring someone or managing a project team, expectations matter.
Without them, it’s hard to feel confident that you’ll get what you need – or know what’s expected of you. Setting expectations isn’t just about tasks and deadlines. It’s about trust, confidentiality, roles, and boundaries.
We have to meet the expectations on our side of the relationship to get the other person to demonstrate their side – show trust in order to receive it.
When I start mentoring someone, I always go over what we can (and can’t) share with their manager, the kinds of support I can offer, and how often we’ll meet. We treat it like a working agreement – one we can come back to and adjust as the relationship evolves.
The same applies on projects. For example, I recently helped a project manager set up governance for a new program. We walked through what our organisation expects from programme boards, clarified roles, and agreed how we’d work together day-to-day.
That half-hour conversation made all the difference: she knew where she stood, and we could go into stakeholder meetings aligned and confident.
That’s the magic of expectations – they eliminate surprises and boost clarity. Everyone knows what’s happening, and why.
Commitment isn’t about being available 24/7
When people talk about commitment, they sometimes think it means working late or always saying yes.
It doesn’t.
In a professional working relationship, commitment looks like showing up when you said you would. Being present. Following through on the promises you make. That reliability builds trust – and without trust, a professional relationship doesn’t really go anywhere.
In my mentoring role, that means protecting the time I’ve committed to mentees. We’ve got regular monthly calls in the diary, and we stick to them. Sometimes we have to move things around, but the intention is always there: I’m here when you need me, and you’re a priority.
It’s the same with colleagues. People remember when you come through for them. And they also remember when you don’t.
Active listening is more powerful than it sounds
You’ve probably heard the phrase “active listening” before. But what does it look like in practice?
In The Coaching Manual (2021) Julie Starr says that active listening is important because it creates an environment where:
- You set the intention to stay focused on the other person’s words
- You use more effort to process and listen than on your own speech
- You are investing effort in recording information mentally, so you can recall it again in future conversations (in addition to taking notes)
- You confirm you are still listening so the other person sees you paying attention
- You demonstrate your desire to understand through clarifying questions and summarizing so you get what the speaker is telling you.
It’s not just nodding politely or pretending to pay attention while thinking about your to-do list. Active listening is about genuinely focusing on the other person. Asking clarifying questions. Summarizing what you’ve heard. Taking notes – not just for the sake of it, but so you remember.
It’s about making the other person feel heard.
In one meeting this week, I made a conscious effort to do just that. I summarized key points, clarified who someone was talking about by checking our org chart (without interrupting the flow), and reflected back what I’d heard to make sure we were aligned.
That’s active listening. And it made the meeting more productive for everyone.
Encouragement matters more than we think
Encouragement doesn’t have to mean balloons and party poppers. It’s often the small things that have the biggest impact.
A timely “well done” on a job, a thank you email, a stretch opportunity that shows you believe someone can step up – these all matter. People want to know that their efforts are seen and valued.
The Management Centre says it is important to encourage people in the way they want to be encouraged. Personally, I’d rather a low-key encouragement; others might prefer a big fanfare or lots of ra-ra cheering which I would find cringe-worthy.
I had an email recently from someone who used to be in my mentoring group. She asked whether she should apply for a job at a company I know quite well. It wasn’t a perfect fit for her dream role, but I encouraged her to go for it – even just to learn more about the opportunity.
How to encourage others
Deborah Byrne, psychologist, says that encouragement is a great way to boost a relationship because it makes you a nice, positive, person to be around. Also, we can be an inspiration to others: by encouraging someone else, they can pay it forward and encourage others.
Byrne says our attitude matters because the way we are with others does influence their behaviour, even if it’s not obvious to you in which ways they are being influenced.
Byrne suggests that encouragement can be offered in different ways:
- Being aware of how you speak about yourself and others, and avoiding negative language.
- Celebrating success and commenting when someone helps you (for example), and responding to their behaviour positively.
- Draw attention to what is going well for someone, for example pointing out their recent successes or what they’ve achieved.
- Smiling! (I feel I do a lot of smiling, so this is a way of encouraging others that I feel I can say I’m good at.)
Other ways people can be encouraged include:
Specific ‘thank you’ messages related to specific tasks, given in a timely manner, either in a 1:1 setting or in front of others e.g. at a team meeting. This can be encouraging for future work as well as recognising past work.
Offering people stretch tasks and challenging work in line with their personal targets and objectives, along with the support to make sure these targets are achievable. This can show that you trust someone to take on more responsibility.
Support can be pivotal. Not in a cheerleader way (unless that’s your style), but in a grounded, “I’ve got your back” way. Realistic encouragement builds confidence and strengthens relationships.
Feedback: give it, take it, learn from it
Feedback can feel awkward. But it’s one of the fastest ways to build trust and improve how we work with others.
I always try to give feedback that’s honest and constructive – especially in mentoring. Whether it’s reviewing a slide deck or talking through a tricky situation, I want my mentees to walk away with something useful.
At the same time, I’m open to feedback myself. If someone tells me I’m being too hands-off or they want more challenge, I take that seriously. Mentoring is a two-way street.
The key is delivering feedback with tact and clarity. Not everything needs to be actioned, but it should always be something the other person can hear – and act on if they choose to.
Understand what motivates people
Encouragement is about recognising effort. Motivation is about understanding what drives it.
Are they driven by recognition? Career goals? The satisfaction of doing good work? When you understand what motivates someone, you can shape your interactions in ways that truly resonate.
Positive Psychology reports the Sheldon & Elliot self-concordance model of goal setting which outlines 4 different types of motivation:
External: You don’t take action unless there is a reward, or there is a negative outcome you are trying to avoid e.g. handing in work late.
Introjected: You take action because it helps maintain your self-image i.e. it feeds you ego to behave in a certain way.
Identified: You take action because the action is considered personally important or aligned to your values and therefore worth doing.
Intrinsic: You take action because the work required is fun i.e. you enjoy the journey towards achieving the goal.
Understanding motivation is important for relationship building, because if you understand what motivates someone, you can tailor the interactions to make sure you get the most out them, for example, by sharing information in a way that is tailored to the things you know will motivate them the most, whether that is career progression, a sense of being useful, achieving a goal etc.
For example, one of my mentees is clearly motivated by completing their apprenticeship and moving forward in their career. That helps me tailor the support I give and the opportunities I suggest.
I also took a leadership course years ago that showed I was motivated by financial rewards – that’s shifted over time, and today it’s more about professional reputation and doing a good job.
It’s worth reflecting on what drives you, too. Your motivation shapes how you show up in relationships.
And when the relationship isn’t working?
Not every professional relationship will click. That’s OK.
But it’s important to address it. If I feel something’s off with a mentee, I’ll talk to them and try to uncover what’s going wrong. Are we aligned on goals? Am I offering support in the right way? Could they benefit more from a different mentor?
If we can’t get things back on track, I’ll suggest a change. There’s no shame in that. Sometimes relationships run their course – or just don’t land right – and it’s more respectful to acknowledge that than to keep going through the motions.
Relationships are everything
Relationships are everything in project management – and beyond. Whether you’re leading a team, mentoring a colleague, or navigating cross-functional work, your ability to build strong, respectful, trusting relationships will define your success.
It’s not about being best friends with everyone. It’s about being reliable, thoughtful, and genuinely invested in other people’s progress.
And that? That’s a skill worth developing.
